The Hard Falls of Anor

It seems like anytime something good finally happens to me, something bad is just around the corner waiting to come meet me. I understand fully well though that every single person in the world has not only problems, but bad things that happen right after something good finally happens to them. It really does suck. I just really want to catch a break though.

This year was supposed to be amazing. I was supposed to be in four awesome classes and pass them with B's or higher. I was supposed to be happy when I went out with my roommates and friends. But when I go out I just look at my wallet and worry... I think "should I really go out today/tonight?" It's a darn good thing I never spend more than necessary and use coupons if in my possession.

Man.... I grew up in a trailer, had barely any friends (if any really at all), was a loner in middle-school, a social outcast in freshman year high school, depressed in junior year and ever since then just a worry wart. I know the pattern of my life. That's why I get worried. When something good happens to me, I'm afraid that it'll go away or turn bad. For those who wonder... that is why I always worry.

My parents really don't help either... I wish I was able to get a job and car when I was still in high school. I wish I was able to have the experiences everyone else had. But my family was isolated when I was growing up. Sometimes I wonder that if my family were to be with the rest of the Fam. in San Diego... that my youth would've been much more rich (and I probably would be speaking spanglish like all the time too). That I would've had all these experiences and not have to worry since I'd be surrounded by family.

But it wasn't like that (not that I really regret it). I've always had to push through things alone, never accepting anyone's help because I didn't want them to "get mad" at me or just be purely disappointed in me. I hated it... when my classmates saw me as a failure or loser. I was called a loner. Hell... when that one guy in seven grade yelled out "loner" in Drama (theater) class [after I argued with him for whining about not having a lot of parts like the best actor in the class]... and I saw that I was in one corner of the room and everyone else was huddled together on the other side... I wonder how many of my friends knew how I must've felt.

Could you imagine just the breaking of your heart, that feeling of just not holding back and wanting to cry even though everyone would laugh at you? I felt that... a lot. I hated it. And during high school where I thought I could finally make friends... I found no place where I could belong.

Without turning this into a depressing post... I'll just say my "thanks you"s:

• Thank you Sergio for being so persistent on being my friend and eventually becoming my best friend.
• Thank you Devin for also not giving up and becoming another best friend, making us a Trinity.
• Thanks to Eduardo Temez for always being my friend since I was 7; even when I attempted to not be your friend in order to just be liked, I am so sorry for those times and thank you for continuing on being there.
• Thanks to my sister, Katherine, who even though we fought A LOT that you still support me. (if only Cristian could understand that I just don't want him to grow up to be like me, but a much better person....)
• Thanks to Alexandra, who even though is just my cousin; I consider you my little sister too.
• Thanks to Gioser, Boris and Angel for being the best cousins ever.
• Tito, Alvarito and Diegito; thanks for still dealing with me even though I'm weird and that you can still call me your primo.
• Alexa and Valerie for being cool and accepting me even if I'm weird.
• Yenia and Azarel for being kind of like big sisters to me (even though me and Yenia are basically the same age)
• To Debbie... For inspiring me to rethink my life. You're the reason I've always wanted a big sister.
• To Arminda, for being my big sister...
• To Mace for accepting me like a sister would.
• To my fans for always supporting me. Even though we've never met in real life and you guys live in other countries/states, it's feel good to know my work is appreciated.
• To Carlos Canedo; thanks. Even if you think we don't get along, it's because of you I stand by my way of life so firmly.
• To Adriana for never leaving me even though we constantly butt heads. You too have become my best friend.
• To ALL my friends, I hope I don't make you feel under-appreciated.. I love you all.
• To Lake, you made me open my heart to others. It's because of you I wrote and drew more and more. It's because of you I was able to finally smile from my heart. So thank you for being the first... thank you for being my moon.
• To Nicole... you probably will never understand how many times I want to say thank you or how important you really are to me. I don't care if people read this and they question why I wrote that. It's because of you I continued with my promise to that 7-year-old boy who just wanted to make a movie. It's because of you I grew out of my depression in junior year. It's because of you that I don't ever give up. I wish I could say it to you... but let me at least write this: Nicole, thank you.
• ...and finally to my parents; who have struggled and worked so hard for me to get to where I am today. The last thing in the world I ever want to do is disappoint you. You grew up with worse lives than I ever did so why should I be whining about what I'm going through. I don't ever want you to worry. I don't ever want you to regret having me as your son. I wish you could understand me more but I can't ever tell you who I really am; you just have to see for yourselves. I'm not a mean big brother or a lazy boy. I'm a very scared person. I want nothing more in this world than to make the people I love smile.

I probably shouldn't have written these most private feelings... but I need to get them out as I've been so stressed and worried... and angry. I've been so afraid of what'll happen. But these feelings must come out. They may never be read but that never matters to me... just that they get out. One day they'll be read. Maybe right after I've written it, maybe after someone discovers their existence but they'll be read.

I've faced hard time a lot in my life but with these people in my life I can't give up. I can never do that. I don't want to disappoint them. I want them to see that I can reach my goal... that I will shine brighter than the heavy shadow my past has cast.

I won't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER give up. That is a promise to everyone and to myself.