College Life Sucks... sometimes..

College is like.... Well I think it's just this semester.

Why did it have to start this way? Everything other than my life in the apartment with my friends sucks. Just sucks.

There's all this worry, I've yet to pay classes, still have to buy books, only in 3 classes so barely count as a full-time student, probably won't be able to get into another class, will be disenrolled if I don't pay soon with money I don't have, didn't qualify for financial aid, can get a credible co-signer for my student loan, no money, can't get a job, andI feel like everything's falling apart.

Why can't I catch a break and have everything be better? Have the reassurance that everything'll be alright... I want that. I want to feel like everything'll get better. I do have those moments but in these quiet times I'm reminded... When my friends do their homework, I'm reminded.. When I see other students with their textbooks, I'm reminded... I hate this.

But I won't give up.

Some advice for my friends who're underclassmen:
1. Save up a lot of money for college.
2. Do everything on time. Everything, that includes homework.
3. Be with people who'll make you feel better and not stress you out.
4. Plan ahead.
5. Have a backup plan.
6. Include your parents with everything you're doing.
7. Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER give up.

PS This probably doesn't apply to you if you're from a well-off family (financially).

The Hard Falls of Anor

It seems like anytime something good finally happens to me, something bad is just around the corner waiting to come meet me. I understand fully well though that every single person in the world has not only problems, but bad things that happen right after something good finally happens to them. It really does suck. I just really want to catch a break though.

This year was supposed to be amazing. I was supposed to be in four awesome classes and pass them with B's or higher. I was supposed to be happy when I went out with my roommates and friends. But when I go out I just look at my wallet and worry... I think "should I really go out today/tonight?" It's a darn good thing I never spend more than necessary and use coupons if in my possession.

Man.... I grew up in a trailer, had barely any friends (if any really at all), was a loner in middle-school, a social outcast in freshman year high school, depressed in junior year and ever since then just a worry wart. I know the pattern of my life. That's why I get worried. When something good happens to me, I'm afraid that it'll go away or turn bad. For those who wonder... that is why I always worry.

My parents really don't help either... I wish I was able to get a job and car when I was still in high school. I wish I was able to have the experiences everyone else had. But my family was isolated when I was growing up. Sometimes I wonder that if my family were to be with the rest of the Fam. in San Diego... that my youth would've been much more rich (and I probably would be speaking spanglish like all the time too). That I would've had all these experiences and not have to worry since I'd be surrounded by family.

But it wasn't like that (not that I really regret it). I've always had to push through things alone, never accepting anyone's help because I didn't want them to "get mad" at me or just be purely disappointed in me. I hated it... when my classmates saw me as a failure or loser. I was called a loner. Hell... when that one guy in seven grade yelled out "loner" in Drama (theater) class [after I argued with him for whining about not having a lot of parts like the best actor in the class]... and I saw that I was in one corner of the room and everyone else was huddled together on the other side... I wonder how many of my friends knew how I must've felt.

Could you imagine just the breaking of your heart, that feeling of just not holding back and wanting to cry even though everyone would laugh at you? I felt that... a lot. I hated it. And during high school where I thought I could finally make friends... I found no place where I could belong.

Without turning this into a depressing post... I'll just say my "thanks you"s:

• Thank you Sergio for being so persistent on being my friend and eventually becoming my best friend.
• Thank you Devin for also not giving up and becoming another best friend, making us a Trinity.
• Thanks to Eduardo Temez for always being my friend since I was 7; even when I attempted to not be your friend in order to just be liked, I am so sorry for those times and thank you for continuing on being there.
• Thanks to my sister, Katherine, who even though we fought A LOT that you still support me. (if only Cristian could understand that I just don't want him to grow up to be like me, but a much better person....)
• Thanks to Alexandra, who even though is just my cousin; I consider you my little sister too.
• Thanks to Gioser, Boris and Angel for being the best cousins ever.
• Tito, Alvarito and Diegito; thanks for still dealing with me even though I'm weird and that you can still call me your primo.
• Alexa and Valerie for being cool and accepting me even if I'm weird.
• Yenia and Azarel for being kind of like big sisters to me (even though me and Yenia are basically the same age)
• To Debbie... For inspiring me to rethink my life. You're the reason I've always wanted a big sister.
• To Arminda, for being my big sister...
• To Mace for accepting me like a sister would.
• To my fans for always supporting me. Even though we've never met in real life and you guys live in other countries/states, it's feel good to know my work is appreciated.
• To Carlos Canedo; thanks. Even if you think we don't get along, it's because of you I stand by my way of life so firmly.
• To Adriana for never leaving me even though we constantly butt heads. You too have become my best friend.
• To ALL my friends, I hope I don't make you feel under-appreciated.. I love you all.
• To Lake, you made me open my heart to others. It's because of you I wrote and drew more and more. It's because of you I was able to finally smile from my heart. So thank you for being the first... thank you for being my moon.
• To Nicole... you probably will never understand how many times I want to say thank you or how important you really are to me. I don't care if people read this and they question why I wrote that. It's because of you I continued with my promise to that 7-year-old boy who just wanted to make a movie. It's because of you I grew out of my depression in junior year. It's because of you that I don't ever give up. I wish I could say it to you... but let me at least write this: Nicole, thank you.
• ...and finally to my parents; who have struggled and worked so hard for me to get to where I am today. The last thing in the world I ever want to do is disappoint you. You grew up with worse lives than I ever did so why should I be whining about what I'm going through. I don't ever want you to worry. I don't ever want you to regret having me as your son. I wish you could understand me more but I can't ever tell you who I really am; you just have to see for yourselves. I'm not a mean big brother or a lazy boy. I'm a very scared person. I want nothing more in this world than to make the people I love smile.

I probably shouldn't have written these most private feelings... but I need to get them out as I've been so stressed and worried... and angry. I've been so afraid of what'll happen. But these feelings must come out. They may never be read but that never matters to me... just that they get out. One day they'll be read. Maybe right after I've written it, maybe after someone discovers their existence but they'll be read.

I've faced hard time a lot in my life but with these people in my life I can't give up. I can never do that. I don't want to disappoint them. I want them to see that I can reach my goal... that I will shine brighter than the heavy shadow my past has cast.

I won't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER give up. That is a promise to everyone and to myself.

Listen to solarguardians Playlist

Let it end right...

Please... whoever controls what happens to me... let this summer end right. Let me have fun with my friends. Let me be able to enjoy my family. Let me have my four classes and get my loan money. Let me be able to pay off the things I need to pay off. Let it end alright with her...

I just want Mystery Girl to know that she's really important to me, that I care a

bout her and ultimately I want her to remain as a big part of my life. I hope to remain a part of her life too... I want us to have that moment that'll reaffirm our friendship. Not over Facebook but in person. Episode 12 really does sum up pretty well how I feel about her.

I hope everyone I know end their summer right too...

Damn... I don't like not being there. I hate it...

It sucks that I have to go somewhere else, away from home. I chose to leave though. In order to

accomplish what it is I need to do. There's a 7 year old kid in 1999 who wanted to make a movie;

I'll make sure he does. I'll get my stuff published one day. I'll become someone who made a difference to someone's life.

All I am is a storyteller. An artist. A moviejunkie. A geek. A total nerd. And a com

pletely in-love idiot. Ahead of me, I have a lot of hard work. But it'll all be worth it in the end. I'm doing this not only for the Mystery Girl to see what it is I want to show her, but for me. To that 7 year old boy who just wanted to make a movie.

The needs...

I really need to get a job or something. I REALLY do not want one but I want/need the money. I'm tired of seeing my mom worried and I hate not contributing to anything I do in life. I want to pitch in, I really do. So I really want to get a job... but make sure that I pass my classes with the grades I want as well as keep up with my comics and social life.

Also... I really need to get working on my license. Tired of people always telling me to get it. I get it. I'll have it before summer 2011 okay? I won't even have a car or gas money anyway...

Also, I really want to end this summer right. Damn, another Mystery Girl post but get over it. I love her sincerely and just want to be able to know that I'm a part of her life. I just want to know that it'll be alright in the end of it all, whenever that may be. We still have the rest of our lives after all...

Also want closure with the Moon and know where I stand in her life too... -.-

SO YEAH...

Tentative by Argyle Smile (now on iTunes!)

Tentative by Argyle Smile (now on iTunes!)

Songs

Man. Some songs I love but you know what? I'm really loving "Black Sheep" by Metric right now. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obV-OL3TwXo

Just Dawned On Me

I will someday not live with my family. They will not be with me and one day come and visit. Man. Adulthood dawns.

What To Say?

The whole thing with the Moon... It... really, really is complicated. But with what has just happened... I know now completely. The feelings I had for her were real. I did love her. Yeah, past tense. I still care about her and want to be her friend... but I truly, and deeply am in love with Mystery Girl.

Even though I don't really want to be in a relationship or am looking to be in one for that matter, the fact remains; I truly do want to be with her.

I don't want to hold her back but... thinking about her being in a relationship with some other guy; it hurts a lot. And I'm jealous. I don't like it but... I want her to be happy. It means a lot to me for her to smile.

I really hate not being able to be with her or something. What is it I want? I don't even know. I too selfish for her. That sucks... I need to change. For the girl who probably doesn't even want to be with me.

I'm just being an idiot like always. It's me against the Universe.

Shooting Star

About two nights ago I saw something in the night sky. It was a shooting star. On that, I made a wish to have a conversation with a certain someone. In a way, we did come in contact but not a conversation.

So how does the wish thing work? Do I have clasp my hands together and/or say the wish aloud? Or I'm just being a kid and wishes don't come true?

Life has been kind of down lately. I think something good finally happens to me and it ends up making more trouble for me and my loved ones. It sucks! But is that just life?

Maybe it is.

But things happen that make everything better. I mean... Mystery Girl didn't talk to me but we had an exchange of words. I hope to have an actual conversation with her soon though.

But I got to talk to the Moon today too.... that was really nice.

Let tomorrow be the way I want it to be though.